Adventures in Job Hunting

Blerg... that Liz Lemon word completely and accurately describes how I feel about the process of re-entering the workforce.

I never imagined it would be this difficult to find a job that didn't make me want to gouge my eyes out on a daily basis, but this is what happens when you move to a glorified retirement community in the middle of a recession.

You want a HWAT??  A job??  Isn't that what you've got a husband for?
(Source:  cracked.com)

But the worst part of job hunting isn't even the mind-numbing hours you spend sending out resumés and cover letters, or even staring at online job boards until those obscure job titles actually sound interesting.  ("Principal Project Control Technician???"  What the hell is that??)  No, it's the entire interviewing process...each inane question and sycophantic answer kills you just a little bit more, until you turn into some interviewing robot.

Your company's approach to collating has revolutionized the industry.

The Phone Interview

While phone interviews are supposed to help interviewers weed out potential candidates, unless you're interviewing with a corporate HR department outside of your region, I find them a waste of time.  While traditional wisdom states that if you're being interviewed over the phone, you should get up and walk around; you're apparently also supposed to prepare for this interview as you would a traditional face-to-face meeting.  

False.

Everybody knows that your ass is sitting around in your pajamas (because hey, you're unemployed...you've got no place to be), probably sitting in your bed.  I don't pace during a regular interview; why would I do that in this one??  "Ma'am, are you okay?  You sound like you're out of breath."  "Oh, I'm just running laps around my house...helps to get the blood flowing to my brain."  No.  If I have a phone interview, I'm planted in front of my computer, looking up interview questions.  I mean, come on...if I have access to this resource, why not use it??

Also, this.
"I would describe myself as outgoing, a hard worker, and...what does that bitch think she's wearing?"

The downside, of course, is that without having to make eye contact, my mind is probably going to wander.  To counter this, I use this time to research the company further (and, occasionally, troll Facebook/Twitter/LOLcat-esque websites), so that I'm at least focused on something relevant to the interview.  

The Meet-and-Greet

The first interview is generally another colossal waste of time.  Every interviewer asks some variation of the same questions, so I've managed to adapt a canned answer that sounds really thoughtful.  Rarely do I get difficult/original questions that actually give me pause, and when I do, I'm grateful for a break from the mundane.  (And yes, I've been on the other side of the interview process, and it's equally as mind-numbing.)  During this initial step, I'm more focused on my posture, body language, and maintaining the appropriate amount of eye contact (you know, the kind that makes you seem engaged without giving off a creeper/I-will-come-to-your-house-and-watch-you-sleep vibe, like this).

I am so enthusiastic about everything you are saying!

The worst part of the meet-and-greet is during the end of the interview, when the interviewer has started talking about what you'll have to do.  You think everything is peachy, "hey, I've got the job!"  Not so fast...did we fail to mention there would be a second interview?  A second interview??  For this??  But you manage maintain your perky job seeker façade...

Then you come home and do this:

Why God??  WHY?!?
(From hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com)

...and down a few dozen bottles of whiskey.

Bienvenue, my little trolls!

I tried to start a blog a while ago at the behest of a friend of mine (who for some reason thinks I'm incredibly funny), but my insane retail job got in the way.  Now, having quit my job and moved to the middle of nowhere (ostensibly to help out family), I find myself with more free time than is good for me.

In between the fruitless, soul-crushing searches for employment offering more than Mitt Romney pays his domestic staff (hell, I'd even settle for that...put me in a binder, Mr. Romney!), I like to peruse the interwebs for things that make me less likely to jump from the roof of a tall building.  This, of course--in addition to turning me into Mr. Magoo--invariably leads to something pissing me off.  Normally a cynical, sarcastic gal with a heart of gold (like this guy), this trolling--in some sort of inverse alchemy--turns me into a ranting, I-will-cut-you-if-you-disagree-with-me sort of confrontational social media user.

How I imagine I look
(Source:  http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com)

Of course, I don't actually look like that, but that's how I feel.  I obviously have friends and relatives who disagree with me, but when I'm in the zone, I get combative.  (Mom always used to say, "Use your words."  I wonder if she regrets saying that now.)  I respect everyone's right to have an opinion, your opinion isn't always right (mine is...j/k, sorta), and sometimes it's hurtful and detrimental to others.  I also don't have to listen to your nonsense, which is my right.

So that's what this blog is going to be:  a cathartic exercise and (hopefully) amusing forum in which I can vent and avoid turning into a mouth-foaming lunatic, but I'm making no promises about the latter.

You won't like me when I'm angry.

Fair warning though, I swear like a sailor.  I have lived abroad, which changed my perception of culture.  I also like to make fun of pretty much anything, but especially politics and religion.  I studied history and find it terribly frustrating that politicians and religious figures often have no understanding of historical events (or current events, or logic, for that matter).

I will not promise that I will be a regular blogger, because I'm pretty infamously a procrastinator.  I can't even promise to maintain any particular theme, because whatevs (and FREEDOM, bitches!).  And if that bothers you, I'm sure you can find something vaguely entertaining by the trolls at Reddit.